April 1, 2013, For Immediate Release: RealData Announces New Sales Prevention Initiative
In an attempt to stem the inexorable tide of its growing popularity, RealData announced today the formation of a new Sales Prevention Department within the company. “Quite simply, it is time for us to take the bull by the tail,” said company founder and President Frank Gallinelli. We can’t allow these sales increases to go unchecked, so we have assembled a new mismanagement team to deal with the problem. Once we get sales under control, we believe we can go from there to put an end to productivity once and for all.”
Heading the new team will be a specialist in customer alienation. According to Gallinelli, the company needs salespeople who are unencumbered by product knowledge or professional expertise, and technical support personnel who can be relied on to provide cryptic and irrelevant responses or to ignore customer questions entirely. “We need to put the ‘us’ back into user-friendly. There’s no room in the software business for customers who can’t take care of themselves.”
Galvanized by their mantra — “Don’t swim with the sharks, float with the flounder!” —-the team has already begun work on the company’s new support infrastructure called, “FAQ – Frequently Avoided Questions.” Said the CEO, “We must strive to please none of the people all of the time.”
The company’s sales prevention initiative is expected to last throughout most of April 1. 😉
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